No Strings Attached
Woman (24) on business trip seeks man (25-30) for two weeks of one-night stands in the Seattle, Washington, area. I’m just looking for a good time, nothing serious. I prefer you only sleep with me, text or call me at least once a day and in public refer to me as your girlfriend. Like I said, I’m not looking for anything serious, but if possible I would like to meet all your friends and family.
Must Hate Cats
I told my last girlfriend it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. Man seeks woman who hates cats.
The Basic Physics of Love
Man seeks woman who can help him convert his potential energy into kinetic energy in and out of the bedroom.
Covering All My Bases
My position of power doesn’t allow for me to openly express myself sexually. That’s why I need someone who can keep up appearances. Man seeks woman who fits my voter base’s idea of what a woman with traditional family values is supposed to look like, but also has a penis.
South Carolina 2000(Black Baby)
Did you know that presidential candidate Joel Barber once fathered a black baby with a black woman from South Carolina? Did you also know that not only did Joel Barber father a black baby with this woman, he was married to her before he fathered this black baby and is still married to her? Is this the type of man you want to have in the White House? I am Aaron Hecht and I endorse this message.
In the first hundred days of my presidency, I will introduce a bill that will start construction of a Death Star. That is right; if I am elected, America will reach for the stars again. My goal as president isn't just to make America the strongest, safest nation on the planet, but to make America the strongest, safest nation in the galaxy!
Vote Joel Barber for President!
Ladies I want to be your maintenance man. With more than ten years of experience in the heating and air-conditioning field, I know how to heat it up, but I also know how to keep it cool. Ladies, I’m here to service all your needs. No job is too big or too small. Your pleasure is guaranteed. BTW this is an ad for sex and not HVAC repair. If you have a heating and air problem, please feel free to contact me at 1-800-HEAT-N-AIR to set up an appointment.
A Companion Seeks Her Doctor
Woman (32) seeks a man (18-35) that is available for the next three Saturdays to help her act out her erotic Doctor Who fan fiction. I prefer you look like the Tenth Doctor, but I will settle for someone who looks like the Eleventh or Ninth Doctor. If you look like any Doctor before Seven, don’t even bother messaging me. My story won’t work with the show’s continuity before the Seventh Doctor and I don’t plan on rewriting — we perform as is! Don’t worry about bringing accurate wardrobe or a replica sonic screwdriver as it will be provided for you. Besides looking like the Doctor, I only ask that once we start that you stay in character until I reach orgasm.
Since my wife decided to sleep with the gardener, I felt my only response should be to sleep with the maid. However, since our maid is a 64-year-old grandmother who doesn’t find me attractive, I’m forced to place this ad.
Hey, It Works in the Movies
Woman, 27, seeks man (28-38) to show off to friends, family and former frenemies at upcoming 10-year high school reunion. You must be tall, dark — but not too darkhandsome, don’t mind that the DJ is going to play Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” nonstop all night, and be able to remember all the details I make up about you and our relationship.
“Hopes and Prayers”
Did you know that presidential candidate Joel Barber once sold crack to fifth-graders out of his mother’s mini-van during a short period in the mid-to-late ‘90s? We’re not sure if this is true, but America, if we believe long enough and pray hard enough, it just might become true. I am Aaron Hecht, and I endorse this message. Vote Hecht for president.
As president, I promise to drone attack our nation's enemies with physical copies of the mixtapes of all dudes who post unrequested links to their mixtapes in the comment section. All that hot fire should defeat our enemies in no time.
Vote Joel Barber for President
Dear Barbie Signature Members,
The 2017 lineup of dolls is here. A new year brings exciting changes to the Barbie family. Here is a sneak peek of what is to come.
“Malibu Death Wish Barbie”
Barbara “Barbie” Millicent Roberts was an ordinary Malibu high school senior until late one night when her little sister Skipper and her two-timing boyfriend Ken Carson ran her Corvette off the road. They left her for dead in the Malibu hills. What they didn’t count on was her surviving. Barbie is back from the brink of death and she wants revenge. Nothing will stand in her way -- not friends, not family, nor the law.
This spring, Barbie has a death wish.
Malibu Death Wish Barbie comes with a pink pearl handle 22 Ruger pistol, switchblade and hair brush. Two-Timing Ken and Backstabbing Skipper dolls each sold separately.
After a late night of partying, Barbie and her new boyfriend come back to her Malibu dream house to be attacked by a mysterious one-armed woman. After being knocked out, Barbie awakens to her dream house trashed, her boyfriend dead and the police knocking on her door. After failing to convince the police that she was attacked, Barbie is labeled the prime suspect in her boyfriend’s homicide.
Now she is on the run, searching for the mysterious one-armed woman who framed her for murder. Fugitive Barbie must stay one step ahead of U.S. Marshal Ken Carson, the highly skilled tracker who will stop at nothing to bring a fugitive to justice.
This summer, Barbie is on the run.
Fugitive Barbie comes with dark aviator sunglasses, pink hoodie and hair brush. The One-Armed Woman Skipper doll, U.S. Marshal Ken Carson doll and the line of Barbie Dream Escape Vehicles: Nondescript Gateway Sedan and Limited Edition 1993 White Ford Bronco each sold separately.
“Black Veil Barbie”
After learning that the family of her twenty-years-her-senior, sugar-daddy boyfriend Ken Carson banned her from attending the funeral of her late lover, Barbie is distraught with grief and rage. After some tough love from her little sister, Skipper, Barbie finds the courage to go against the family’s wishes and attend her lover’s funeral.
Make things awkward with your late lover’s family with Black Veil Barbie’s real crying action. At the push of a button you can make her face a runny, mascara-covered mess.
The fun doesn’t stop there. Black Veil Barbie also comes with a microchip that allows her to speak. Black Veil Barbie is programmed to make awkward conversation with all of her late lover’s family. She is programmed to say such phrases as: “I can’t believe he is really gone”; “I know I said I wasn’t going to come, but I had to say goodbye one last time”; “Your father loved you, he talked about you all the time”; “Your father was the love of my life”; “Even though our time together was short, it was magical, it was the best four weeks of my life”; and “You know me, we were in the same Algebra Two class junior year of high school”.
This fall, Barbie is the woman who broke up your parents’ marriage.
Black Veil Barbie comes with skintight black dress, removable veil, and hair brush. Emotional Support Skipper doll, Sugar Daddy Ken Carson and all his angry family dolls each sold separately.
This summer, Idris Elba returns as the world's most frugal crime fighter, Hobo Cop. Hoboken’s finest cop is forced out of retirement to save his kidnapped daughter from a South African diplomat's sex trafficking ring. Now it's up to Hobo Cop and a ragtag band of hobo mercenaries to travel to the motherland and get his daughter back. This Fourth of July, Idris Elba hands out the final cup of hobo justice when "Hobo Cop Goes to Africa."
There will be no new issue this year. Due to some personal events that happened near the end of last year I decided to take this year off. Even though I won't be releasing new material this year doesn't mean I am slacking off. I have been hard at work creating and developing material* this year. My goal for next year is to release two issues of the zine. If not two issues then at least a double size issue.
Sorry to disappoint anyone looking forward to reading issue three this year.
*I already have a notebook's worth of material created and working on another notebook right now. I planning to finish the second notebook around the end of the year.
One Last Job
Joel: “Hey babe, what do you think about this lamp?”
Valerie: “I don’t know, it might be too big.”
Joel: “That’s what she said.”
Valerie: “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re still doing that’s what she said jokes in 2017.”
Joel: “Okay, I might use that joke a little too much.”
Valerie: “More like way too much.”
Joel: “Okay, fine, I will retire the joke, but one day the joke is going to get an offer too good to refuse. Yeah, the joke knows it’s dangerous, but the money is too good to say no. The joke needs the money to help its formerly estranged daughter open a bed and breakfast upstate. The joke comes out of retirement for one last job and everything goes wrong. The joke is killed by the police after being double-crossed by its former partner, Chuck Norris Facts. The joke dies holding a silver locket with a picture of its daughter as a child in its hands.“
Valerie: “That was one hell of story. I’m truly impressed dear, but there is no way I can fit that big thing in my already tight little trunk.”
Joel: “That’s what she said.”
Valerie: “Oh my God, I hate you so much right now.”
Did you know that it is well documented that presidential candidate Joel Barber once was a member of the Socialist Party, the Communist Party, the Green Party, the Free Masons, the Black Panthers, the Mickey Mouse Club, the NRA, the PLO, NWA, NOW, MADD, Amway, AARP, Black Lives Matter, Hezbollah and Sam’s Club? Is this the kind of man you want running America? Vote Hecht for president. I am Aaron Hecht and I endorse this message.
Truth is Out There
Once I am elected president, my administration will be all about answers and solutions. If the American taxpayer has a question, my administration will find the answer. In my first hundred days, I pledge that my administration will find Tupac and Biggie's killers, bring back our nation's space program to search for aliens, find the person or persons who let the dogs out, find out what really happens when you force seven strangers to work and live together in one house and more.
The truth is out there, and if I am elected president, together we are going to find it.
Vote Joel Barber for President!
Big news coming in a few days (we promise)
In a perfect world, ESPN would produce my stage production of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet that uses only basketball players-turned-actors as the principal cast.
Joel: “I can sell my zine on Etsy. You know what this means.”
The song “A Whole New World” from Disney’s “Aladdin” starts playing in the background.
Lawyer: “Whoa, whoa, stop the music. Do you know how much that song costs to use? You can’t even afford to think about using that version of that song.”
Joel: “Okay, which version can I use?”
Lawyer: “The karaoke version sung by two very drunk secretaries, Nancy and Sarah.”
Joel: “I don’t know about that. I was kind of going for this thing and I don’t think they can pull it off.”
The Lawyer hands Joel an index card with the price to use the original Disney version of the song.
Joel: “Seriously? Wow, that’s a lot. I don’t even make that in two years. Okay, bring on Nancy and Sarah.”
Nancy and Sarah come out with microphones and drinks in their hands. They are drunk -- not sloppy drunk yet, but close. They start singing “A Whole New World.” Neither of them can sing, but they are trying their best.
Lawyer: “So, what do you think?”
Joel: “I can barely understand a single word coming out of their mouths.”
Lawyer: “And neither can Disney’s lawyers.”
I want to try something different. I want to borrow a concept from the HBO show Mr. Show with Bob and David. The jokes transited into each other through some sort of link (character, theme, subject matter etc). I remember from the DVD commentaries that Bob and David said that this was easier said than done.
I want to try a new format as well, something I'm calling "TV Show Format"
The SUPER limited edition run of issue two, Kaiju in Exile, is here. Due to printer error a run of the second issue of the zine was printed in color. All orders of issue two will get this version until supplies have run out. So order now because this won't happen again.
HALF OFF ALL ORDERS
Use the discount code UNDERPANTS
The code is valid from 11/24/2017 to 11/27/2017 (11:59 pm)
Self Help Breakfast
1. Success and Eggs
2. Pancakes and Positive Thinking
3. What Color is Your Omelet?
4. I’m Okay, You’re Okay, Let’s All Have Some OJ
5. How to Poach Eggs and Influence People
6. He’s Just Not Into Waffles
7. The Seven Pastries of Highly Effective People
8. Leadership Secrets of a Cereal Eater