Consult Your Doctor

Consult Your Doctor

Doctor Cruz: “What seems to be troubling you, Mr. Smith?”

Mr. Smith: “The last few days, I have been having terrible stomach cramps and serious lower back pain.”

Doctor Cruz: “Alright, Mr. Smith, let me take a look at you.”

Mr. Smith: “Okay.”

Doctor Cruz examines Mr. Smith.

Doctor Cruz: “From the outside, you look fine, Mr. Smith.  Have you made any major lifestyle changes lately, such as a new diet or exercise program?”

Mr. Smith: “No, not really. Well, I did start walking on sunshine a few weeks ago.”

Doctor Cruz: “Walking on sunshine, oh my God, no. Mr. Smith, how long have you been doing this?”

Mr. Smith: “I don’t know, maybe three or four weeks, tops. It was a little painful at first, but now it’s starting to feel good.”

Doctor Cruz: “Mr. Smith, I want you to listen to me very carefully walking on sunshine is dangerous. If you keep doing this activity, you’re going to die. In fact, I’m not even sure how you’re even alive now. Every time you walk on a ray of sunshine, you increase your chances of getting melanoma and other fatal skin cancers a million times more than by ordinary walking.”

Mr. Smith: “Okay so walking on sunshine is out. What if I start walking on the moon instead? Do you think that is going to be safer, doctor?”

Doctor Cruz: “No, and could you please stop taking fitness advice from ‘80s pop songs?”

Mr. Smith: “What about Let’s Get Physical?”

Doctor Cruz: “Mr. Smith, nobody likes a smart ass.”

Issue Two Playlist

Issue Two Playlist

1. Beastie Boys “To All the Girls”

2. Radiohead “The National Anthem”

3. Nancy and Sarah “A Whole New World”

4. J Dilla “Time Donut of the Heart”

5. Chance the Rapper “Juice”

6. Honey Cone “Want Ads”

7. The Black Eyed Peas “Pump It”

8. Black Rob “Whoa”

9. Black Moon “I Got Cha Opin (Remix)”

10. Black Sheep “Similak Child”

11. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis “Can’t Hold Us”

12. Nas “Got Ur Self A Gun”

13. Mark Ronson “Valerie (Version Revisited)”

14. The Clash “Bank Robber”

15. Katrina & The Waves “Walking on Sunshine”

16. The Police “Walking on the Moon”

17. Olivia Newton-John “Physical”

18. Aqua “Barbie Girl”

19. Calvin Harris “Prayers Up”

20. Hiatus Kaiyote “Nakamarra”


Issue Two Updates

Rewrites are done! The script is done! Now just waiting for the artwork to be finished. Hopefully the new issue will be out by the end of September 2017.

The Million Dollar Underwear Zine team will be at the Richmond Zinefest on September 30, 2017 in Richmond.

11/22/63 (Time Travel Romance)

Sally: Oh Joel, you and your wife are just lovely together. How did you two meet?

Valerie: We met at a-

Joel: I was sent back in time to stop the Kennedy assassination. So I got into Dallas a little early to set up and I kept seeing this woman with the most striking brown eyes I had ever seen all around town. A few hours before the assassination, I was sitting on a rooftop setting up my rifle and I looked up to see Valerie across the street on the opposite rooftop setting up her’s. It took me a few minutes, but I worked up the courage to go across the street and introduce myself. I said, “Hi, my name is Joel; are you from the future?” She said, “yes.” At this point I was feeling pretty good and we had an hour to kill, so I invited her out for coffee. She said, “What the heck” and we went out for coffee. We started talking and turned out she’s there to kill Lee Harvey Oswald too! We knew a lot of the same people and didn’t live too far from each other. Funny with all that in common we had to travel to 1963 to meet each other. Anyway, we hit it off and talked for hours. We were so lost in conversation that we completely forgot about our mission. History’s loss is our gain. Come this November we will be together six years.

Valerie: God damn it Joel, why can’t you tell people we met waiting in line at a Best Buy, like how it really happened?


APA Style

This is a true story, the only thing that have been changed are the names of the innocent.

I worked at a Dunkin’ Donuts for six months as a shift lead. I worked the closing shift, Thursday through Monday. On Sunday nights, I usually worked with a high school senior named Thomas. Thomas was a good employee, but he hated working Sunday nights. Like clockwork every Sunday two hours into his shift Thomas would ask me if he could leave early. I would say no and that would be the end of it for the night.

After a month of this, I said yes. There was one condition to Thomas’ early release, he would have to write a one page essay, front and back, on why he should leave early. The essay needed to have at least three paragraphs, supporting evidence that had to be cited in APA style format and most importantly have a strong thesis. If he did all of this, I would have let him leave early and clock him out at the end of his shift so he didn’t lose any money for the night.

Thomas thought over it for a few minutes before returning to work. I told him that the offer stood as long as we worked together. We worked together for another three months before I left Dunkin’ Donuts, he never asked me to leave early ever again.

Zine schedule*

February to the second week of March: writing, rewriting, and rewriting material for the zine.
Second week of March to April: the zine is in God's and the editors pool hands now.
April- May: tag in the art and design teams let the real stars shine.
June: Issue two "Atonement" is finished

*Dates are subject to change

A Year and a Day

This time last year I decided I was going to scrap the book I had been writing for too long and make a zine. I was going to use my tips from Dunkin Donuts as start up money. I didn't have much of a clue what a zine was, I had read one in college. A year later I have a website, I'm going to festivals and selling copies of my first issue. Now I am working on issue two.

It wasn't an easy year. I lost faith in myself in the middle of the project and I almost cancelled the whole thing. I am glad there were people who kept me going in the dark times. This project isn't going to make me a millionaire and at times it can be stressful as hell, but I am happy. I smile now and not that bullshit customer service smile I am forced to do at work.

Seeing people react to it has been a blast. Good or bad, knowing that someone has taken the time and read my jokes is a good feeling. The fact that some of those people gave me money to do so is amazing. I sold a copy to one of the writers that inspired me to write the zine, that would have been enough to make my year, but he messaged me and told that he liked my zine and wants me to make more.

I gave a guy a free copy and he ended up paying me for it. He said it was too good to not to pay for it. I was shocked, that is a big compliment I was speechless.

I don't have a real ending for this, I try not to talk about this too often because I don't want to be annoying or maybe I am scared that this feeling won't last. I don't know, but it has been an interesting year.