Maintenance Man

Ladies I want to be your maintenance man. With more than ten years of experience in the heating and air-conditioning field, I know how to heat it up, but I also know how to keep it cool. Ladies, I’m here to service all your needs. No job is too big or too small. Your pleasure is guaranteed. BTW this is an ad for sex and not HVAC repair. If you have a heating and air problem, please feel free to contact me at 1-800-HEAT-N-AIR to set up an appointment.

A Companion Seeks Her Doctor

Woman (32) seeks a man (18-35) that is available for the next three Saturdays to help her act out her erotic Doctor Who fan fiction. I prefer you look like the Tenth Doctor, but I will settle for someone who looks like the Eleventh or Ninth Doctor. If you look like any Doctor before Seven, don’t even bother messaging me. My story won’t work with the show’s continuity before the Seventh Doctor and I don’t plan on rewriting — we perform as is! Don’t worry about bringing accurate wardrobe or a replica sonic screwdriver as it will be provided for you. Besides looking like the Doctor, I only ask that once we start that you stay in character until I reach orgasm.

Help Wanted

Since my wife decided to sleep with the gardener, I felt my only response should be to sleep with the maid. However, since our maid is a 64-year-old grandmother who doesn’t find me attractive, I’m forced to place this ad.

Hey, It Works in the Movies

Woman, 27, seeks man (28-38) to show off to friends, family and former frenemies at upcoming 10-year high school reunion. You must be tall, dark — but not too darkhandsome, don’t mind that the DJ is going to play Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” nonstop all night, and be able to remember all the details I make up about you and our relationship.

Tony: Hey Luigi, why you look so sad?

Luigi: Linda is leaving me, Tony.

Tony: I’m so sorry, Luigi.

Luigi: You know what this means for the Pizza Palace, Tony?

Tony: No, Luigi.

Luigi: It means HALF PRICED PIZZAS ON TUESDAYS! ALL SIZES, ALL DAY, HALF PRICE! Dine in or carry out only.

Tony: Half price pizzas on Tuesdays, all sizes, all day, dine in or carry out only? That’s crazy! That’s almost like giving it away!

Luigi: And it doesn’t stop there Tony. On Thursdays I’ll give any customer who tries our new “She’ll Never Get A Single Dime From Me” lunch buffet, two free stamps on their Luigi’s Pizza Palace Frequent Eaters card.

Tony: Now I know you’re crazy! Two free stamps on their Frequent Eaters card, that’s madness. You okay, Luigi, you need me to call you a doctor?

Luigi: I’m feeling great, Tony.

Tony: Then why you make such crazy deals?

Luigi: Because at Luigi’s Pizza Palace our customers are like family, so if my soon to be ex-wife is going to get half, then the customers are going to get half on Tuesdays!

Tony: Luigi, with deals like this, how are we going to make any money?

Luigi: Just because my life is going to pieces doesn’t mean our customers’ wallets have too, so come on down to Luigi’s Pizza Palace--great food, better prices.

Tony: Seriously Luigi, you should see a therapist about Linda.