Person Seeking Person

Maintenance Man

Ladies I want to be your maintenance man. With more than ten years of experience in the heating and air-conditioning field, I know how to heat it up, but I also know how to keep it cool. Ladies, I’m here to service all your needs. No job is too big or too small. Your pleasure is guaranteed. BTW this is an ad for sex and not HVAC repair. If you have a heating and air problem, please feel free to contact me at 1-800-HEAT-N-AIR to set up an appointment.

A Companion Seeks Her Doctor

Woman (32) seeks a man (18-35) that is available for the next three Saturdays to help her act out her erotic Doctor Who fan fiction. I prefer you look like the Tenth Doctor, but I will settle for someone who looks like the Eleventh or Ninth Doctor. If you look like any Doctor before Seven, don’t even bother messaging me. My story won’t work with the show’s continuity before the Seventh Doctor and I don’t plan on rewriting — we perform as is! Don’t worry about bringing accurate wardrobe or a replica sonic screwdriver as it will be provided for you. Besides looking like the Doctor, I only ask that once we start that you stay in character until I reach orgasm.

Help Wanted

Since my wife decided to sleep with the gardener, I felt my only response should be to sleep with the maid. However, since our maid is a 64-year-old grandmother who doesn’t find me attractive, I’m forced to place this ad.

Hey, It Works in the Movies

Woman, 27, seeks man (28-38) to show off to friends, family and former frenemies at upcoming 10-year high school reunion. You must be tall, dark — but not too darkhandsome, don’t mind that the DJ is going to play Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” nonstop all night, and be able to remember all the details I make up about you and our relationship.