Hot Fire
As president, I promise to drone attack our nation's enemies with physical copies of the mixtapes of all dudes who post unrequested links to their mixtapes in the comment section. All that hot fire should defeat our enemies in no time.
Vote Joel Barber for President
Barber 2024!
Dear Barbie Signature Members,
The 2017 lineup of dolls is here. A new year brings exciting changes to the Barbie family. Here is a sneak peek of what is to come.
“Malibu Death Wish Barbie”
Barbara “Barbie” Millicent Roberts was an ordinary Malibu high school senior until late one night when her little sister Skipper and her two-timing boyfriend Ken Carson ran her Corvette off the road. They left her for dead in the Malibu hills. What they didn’t count on was her surviving. Barbie is back from the brink of death and she wants revenge. Nothing will stand in her way -- not friends, not family, nor the law.
This spring, Barbie has a death wish.
Malibu Death Wish Barbie comes with a pink pearl handle 22 Ruger pistol, switchblade and hair brush. Two-Timing Ken and Backstabbing Skipper dolls each sold separately.
“Fugitive Barbie”
After a late night of partying, Barbie and her new boyfriend come back to her Malibu dream house to be attacked by a mysterious one-armed woman. After being knocked out, Barbie awakens to her dream house trashed, her boyfriend dead and the police knocking on her door. After failing to convince the police that she was attacked, Barbie is labeled the prime suspect in her boyfriend’s homicide.
Now she is on the run, searching for the mysterious one-armed woman who framed her for murder. Fugitive Barbie must stay one step ahead of U.S. Marshal Ken Carson, the highly skilled tracker who will stop at nothing to bring a fugitive to justice.
This summer, Barbie is on the run.
Fugitive Barbie comes with dark aviator sunglasses, pink hoodie and hair brush. The One-Armed Woman Skipper doll, U.S. Marshal Ken Carson doll and the line of Barbie Dream Escape Vehicles: Nondescript Gateway Sedan and Limited Edition 1993 White Ford Bronco each sold separately.
“Black Veil Barbie”
After learning that the family of her twenty-years-her-senior, sugar-daddy boyfriend Ken Carson banned her from attending the funeral of her late lover, Barbie is distraught with grief and rage. After some tough love from her little sister, Skipper, Barbie finds the courage to go against the family’s wishes and attend her lover’s funeral.
Make things awkward with your late lover’s family with Black Veil Barbie’s real crying action. At the push of a button you can make her face a runny, mascara-covered mess.
The fun doesn’t stop there. Black Veil Barbie also comes with a microchip that allows her to speak. Black Veil Barbie is programmed to make awkward conversation with all of her late lover’s family. She is programmed to say such phrases as: “I can’t believe he is really gone”; “I know I said I wasn’t going to come, but I had to say goodbye one last time”; “Your father loved you, he talked about you all the time”; “Your father was the love of my life”; “Even though our time together was short, it was magical, it was the best four weeks of my life”; and “You know me, we were in the same Algebra Two class junior year of high school”.
This fall, Barbie is the woman who broke up your parents’ marriage.
Black Veil Barbie comes with skintight black dress, removable veil, and hair brush. Emotional Support Skipper doll, Sugar Daddy Ken Carson and all his angry family dolls each sold separately.
This summer, Idris Elba returns as the world's most frugal crime fighter, Hobo Cop. Hoboken’s finest cop is forced out of retirement to save his kidnapped daughter from a South African diplomat's sex trafficking ring. Now it's up to Hobo Cop and a ragtag band of hobo mercenaries to travel to the motherland and get his daughter back. This Fourth of July, Idris Elba hands out the final cup of hobo justice when "Hobo Cop Goes to Africa."
One Last Job
Joel: “Hey babe, what do you think about this lamp?”
Valerie: “I don’t know, it might be too big.”
Joel: “That’s what she said.”
Valerie: “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re still doing that’s what she said jokes in 2017.”
Joel: “Okay, I might use that joke a little too much.”
Valerie: “More like way too much.”
Joel: “Okay, fine, I will retire the joke, but one day the joke is going to get an offer too good to refuse. Yeah, the joke knows it’s dangerous, but the money is too good to say no. The joke needs the money to help its formerly estranged daughter open a bed and breakfast upstate. The joke comes out of retirement for one last job and everything goes wrong. The joke is killed by the police after being double-crossed by its former partner, Chuck Norris Facts. The joke dies holding a silver locket with a picture of its daughter as a child in its hands.“
Valerie: “That was one hell of story. I’m truly impressed dear, but there is no way I can fit that big thing in my already tight little trunk.”
Joel: “That’s what she said.”
Valerie: “Oh my God, I hate you so much right now.”
“Questionable Reputation”
Did you know that it is well documented that presidential candidate Joel Barber once was a member of the Socialist Party, the Communist Party, the Green Party, the Free Masons, the Black Panthers, the Mickey Mouse Club, the NRA, the PLO, NWA, NOW, MADD, Amway, AARP, Black Lives Matter, Hezbollah and Sam’s Club? Is this the kind of man you want running America? Vote Hecht for president. I am Aaron Hecht and I endorse this message.
Truth is Out There
Once I am elected president, my administration will be all about answers and solutions. If the American taxpayer has a question, my administration will find the answer. In my first hundred days, I pledge that my administration will find Tupac and Biggie's killers, bring back our nation's space program to search for aliens, find the person or persons who let the dogs out, find out what really happens when you force seven strangers to work and live together in one house and more.
The truth is out there, and if I am elected president, together we are going to find it.
Vote Joel Barber for President!
Barber 2024!
In a perfect world, ESPN would produce my stage production of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet that uses only basketball players-turned-actors as the principal cast.
Joel: “I can sell my zine on Etsy. You know what this means.”
The song “A Whole New World” from Disney’s “Aladdin” starts playing in the background.
Lawyer: “Whoa, whoa, stop the music. Do you know how much that song costs to use? You can’t even afford to think about using that version of that song.”
Joel: “Okay, which version can I use?”
Lawyer: “The karaoke version sung by two very drunk secretaries, Nancy and Sarah.”
Joel: “I don’t know about that. I was kind of going for this thing and I don’t think they can pull it off.”
The Lawyer hands Joel an index card with the price to use the original Disney version of the song.
Joel: “Seriously? Wow, that’s a lot. I don’t even make that in two years. Okay, bring on Nancy and Sarah.”
Nancy and Sarah come out with microphones and drinks in their hands. They are drunk -- not sloppy drunk yet, but close. They start singing “A Whole New World.” Neither of them can sing, but they are trying their best.
Lawyer: “So, what do you think?”
Joel: “I can barely understand a single word coming out of their mouths.”
Lawyer: “And neither can Disney’s lawyers.”
Self Help Breakfast
1. Success and Eggs
2. Pancakes and Positive Thinking
3. What Color is Your Omelet?
4. I’m Okay, You’re Okay, Let’s All Have Some OJ
5. How to Poach Eggs and Influence People
6. He’s Just Not Into Waffles
7. The Seven Pastries of Highly Effective People
8. Leadership Secrets of a Cereal Eater
Consult Your Doctor
Doctor Cruz: “What seems to be troubling you, Mr. Smith?”
Mr. Smith: “The last few days, I have been having terrible stomach cramps and serious lower back pain.”
Doctor Cruz: “Alright, Mr. Smith, let me take a look at you.”
Mr. Smith: “Okay.”
Doctor Cruz examines Mr. Smith.
Doctor Cruz: “From the outside, you look fine, Mr. Smith. Have you made any major lifestyle changes lately, such as a new diet or exercise program?”
Mr. Smith: “No, not really. Well, I did start walking on sunshine a few weeks ago.”
Doctor Cruz: “Walking on sunshine, oh my God, no. Mr. Smith, how long have you been doing this?”
Mr. Smith: “I don’t know, maybe three or four weeks, tops. It was a little painful at first, but now it’s starting to feel good.”
Doctor Cruz: “Mr. Smith, I want you to listen to me very carefully walking on sunshine is dangerous. If you keep doing this activity, you’re going to die. In fact, I’m not even sure how you’re even alive now. Every time you walk on a ray of sunshine, you increase your chances of getting melanoma and other fatal skin cancers a million times more than by ordinary walking.”
Mr. Smith: “Okay so walking on sunshine is out. What if I start walking on the moon instead? Do you think that is going to be safer, doctor?”
Doctor Cruz: “No, and could you please stop taking fitness advice from ‘80s pop songs?”
Mr. Smith: “What about Let’s Get Physical?”
Doctor Cruz: “Mr. Smith, nobody likes a smart ass.”
Sally: Oh Joel, you and your wife are just lovely together. How did you two meet?
Valerie: We met at a-
Joel: I was sent back in time to stop the Kennedy assassination. So I got into Dallas a little early to set up and I kept seeing this woman with the most striking brown eyes I had ever seen all around town. A few hours before the assassination, I was sitting on a rooftop setting up my rifle and I looked up to see Valerie across the street on the opposite rooftop setting up her’s. It took me a few minutes, but I worked up the courage to go across the street and introduce myself. I said, “Hi, my name is Joel; are you from the future?” She said, “yes.” At this point I was feeling pretty good and we had an hour to kill, so I invited her out for coffee. She said, “What the heck” and we went out for coffee. We started talking and turned out she’s there to kill Lee Harvey Oswald too! We knew a lot of the same people and didn’t live too far from each other. Funny with all that in common we had to travel to 1963 to meet each other. Anyway, we hit it off and talked for hours. We were so lost in conversation that we completely forgot about our mission. History’s loss is our gain. Come this November we will be together six years.
Valerie: God damn it Joel, why can’t you tell people we met waiting in line at a Best Buy, like how it really happened?
Tony: Hey Luigi, why you look so sad?
Luigi: Linda is leaving me, Tony.
Tony: I’m so sorry, Luigi.
Luigi: You know what this means for the Pizza Palace, Tony?
Tony: No, Luigi.
Luigi: It means HALF PRICED PIZZAS ON TUESDAYS! ALL SIZES, ALL DAY, HALF PRICE! Dine in or carry out only.
Tony: Half price pizzas on Tuesdays, all sizes, all day, dine in or carry out only? That’s crazy! That’s almost like giving it away!
Luigi: And it doesn’t stop there Tony. On Thursdays I’ll give any customer who tries our new “She’ll Never Get A Single Dime From Me” lunch buffet, two free stamps on their Luigi’s Pizza Palace Frequent Eaters card.
Tony: Now I know you’re crazy! Two free stamps on their Frequent Eaters card, that’s madness. You okay, Luigi, you need me to call you a doctor?
Luigi: I’m feeling great, Tony.
Tony: Then why you make such crazy deals?
Luigi: Because at Luigi’s Pizza Palace our customers are like family, so if my soon to be ex-wife is going to get half, then the customers are going to get half on Tuesdays!
Tony: Luigi, with deals like this, how are we going to make any money?
Luigi: Just because my life is going to pieces doesn’t mean our customers’ wallets have too, so come on down to Luigi’s Pizza Palace--great food, better prices.
Tony: Seriously Luigi, you should see a therapist about Linda.
In a world where there is no hope, where violence, fear and economic turmoil reign supreme, the people cry out for a hero. A hero who can face tough times head on. A hero who not only can save the day, but also work on a very tight budget, the world cries out for Hobo Cop. Harrison Ford stars as a new type of hero who hands out his own brand of justice, Hobo Justice. Hobo Cop: half man, half cop, half hobo…Full hero! This Thanksgiving justice has a new code, the hobo code.