Rest in peace to Jonn “Ram” Page.
Page was one of the funniest people I had ever met. He made comedy look easy. Even though our writing partnership was short, I loved every minute of it. My deepest condolences to his wife and the rest of his family. My heart is broken.
I tabled at Norfolk Zinefest today. I forgot to take pictures, which is standard for me. I will post pictures of the zines I got later. This was the only photo I took. I had a great time. I sold some zines, I brought some zines and I met some cool people.
I am a few days behind, but here is my Norfolk Zinefest recap. My sells were poor, with most of them coming at the end. I maybe sold five or six copies and made one trade. Normally, this would have discouraged me, but the early reviews of the minizine were super positive, and the people I shared a table were cool. Norfolk is just a market I can't crack yet.
Found out that I missed the deadline for the Richmond Zinefest, which is disappointing, but hopefully I hear something back from the DC Zinefest.
Anyway, Sunday night, one of the five people I sold my minizine to found me on Instagram. They gave me a very glowing review of the minizine, "A Good Summer Hang", that made my weekend. This has never happened to me before.
Some early reviews of the San Francisco project minizine, “A Good Summer Hang.”
“This isn't the thing. This is the thing that gets you to the thing." -A TV show I didn't like.
A lot has happened in three years. You can call this a zine, but to me, it's a road map to where I want to next issue of Million Dollar Underwear Zine to go. I am wearing my influences on my sleeve and getting out of my comfort zone. Hopefully, readers will pick up what I am putting down.
I am going to be tabling at the Norfolk Zinefest this Saturday.
If this comedy thing doesn't work out, I'm going to move to Denmark, South Carolina and open a bakery called, “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Baking Bread.” That’s right, a Shakespearean themed bakery because I am trying to corner that elusive classic British literature enthusiast market that all the other bakeries have been ignoring. Also, because I want to give a food critic the chance to write this line in a review: “Something tastes delicious in the city of Denmark.”
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Baking Bread, home of the Hamlet and Cheese croissant, A Midsummer's Boston Creme, Two Gingerbread Men from Verona, and other punily named baked goods dedicated to the Shakespearean oeuvre.
Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been having some health issues off and on since last October. This past April I had a blood clot in my leg that went a hole in my heart that caused a temporary stroke. I had to have surgery to repair the hole and a bunch of other stuff, it's been a long year.
I am fine, but lately I have found it a bit difficult to write good material. Mostly I have been writing bad poetry and personal essays that you could easily summarize with this one line, “holy shit I almost died.”
I was hoping to have a new issue out this year, but right now that seems highly unlikely. Unless everyone is cool with a super depressing issue. Even if everyone was cool with that I wouldn't want to write that right now.
Issue Four will be titled "Post". It will be the second part of the Valerie Cho miniseries. We're hoping to have the issue out by the end of year.
Happy Easter
We officially started work on issue four yesterday
INT. WEDDING CHAPEL, DAY
The happy mood that filled the church this morning is gone, and the crowd with it. It’s just the Cho sisters sitting next to each other in the pews. Ezra Stevens has made his choice. Gabby Cho is trying and failing to console her heartbroken sister.
Valerie: “Why did he choose her? What makes Eleanor so special? What does she have that I don’t?”
Gabby: “I don’t know, real shrimp flavor and no MSG?”
Valerie laughs, then she starts crying. She puts her head on her sister’s shoulder and continues to cry. Gabby puts her arm around her sister.
Gabby: “Let it all out, baby girl.”
Valerie’s tears begin to leave a stain on her sister’s bridesmaid dress.
Valerie: “I’m sorry.”
Gabby: “It’s okay.”
Valerie continues to cry.
Gabby: “Do you want to get a family-size bucket from Seoulmates and watch ‘Wanda Russell’ later?”
Valerie: “Yeah. (beat) Do you want to go now?”
Gabby: “Whenever you’re ready.”
Funkadelic’s “Can You Get to That” plays in the background.
Valerie continues to cry as the camera fades out.
INT. WEDDING CHAPEL, MORNING
The chapel is full of people. Love and happiness are in the air. Valerie Cho and her bridesmaids stand to the left of the Minister at the wedding altar. Ezra Stevens and his groomsmen stand on the right. It’s picture-perfect; nothing can go wrong.
Minister: “If anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”
There is a loud boom as the chapel door bursts open. A bright light floods the screen. A mysterious figure walks into the frame. Everyone in the chapel gasps.
Ezra: “Eleanor?!”
Cut to the mysterious figure, ELEANOR, who is an unopened bowl of ramen noodles.
Valerie: “You two are in love with each other. Ezra, is this true?”
Ezra: “Valerie, baby, I can explain.”
Valerie: “Alright Clarissa, explain it all.”
Cut to Eleanor.
Valerie: “Oh my God, Ezra, how could you do this to me? How could you do this to us?”
Cut back to Eleanor.
Ezra: “It’s true, but to be honest, I’m in love with both of you.”
Cut back to Eleanor.
Valerie: “No, Ezra, she’s right. You have to choose between me or her.”
Ezra looks at both women.
Cut to a close-up of Valerie.
Cut to a close-up of Eleanor.
Ezra: “I’m sorry, but I choose--”
Announcer (voiceover): “Valerie or Eleanor: who will Ezra choose? Find out after these messages.”
Announcer (voiceover): “Coming soon to Netflix. An epic four-part miniseries from the producers of ‘Game of Thrones’.
He fights for his freedom.
He fights for his people.
He fights for his country.
He fights for you to have it your way.
He is the Burger King!
This summer, one fry cook will rise up and unite all the burger shacks, joints and places to defend the burger kingdom from golden-arched invaders and become the Burger King.
Heavy is the head that wears the flame-broiled crown!
INT. EZRA STEVENS BEDROOM, NIGHT
EZRA STEVENS and Valerie Cho cuddle in bed together, enjoying post makeup-sex bliss. Mac Miller’s “We” plays in the background.
Ezra: “So what are we doing this weekend?”
Valerie smiles.
Ezra: “What?”
Valerie:” I love it when you use we to describe us.”
They kiss.
Ezra:” We, we, we.”
They kiss again.
Ezra: “You want to hear this poem I wrote for you?”
Valerie: “You write poetry?”
Ezra: “I dabble from time to time.”
Valerie:” Real estate and now poetry, is there anything else I don’t know about you?”
Ezra: “There is so much you don’t know about me.”
Valerie: “Oh, Mister Mysterious over here. Don’t worry, one day I’ll learn all of your secrets.”
Ezra: “I hope not.”
Valerie gives him a confused look.
Ezra: “Then I would be boring.”
Valerie: “Trust me, you’ll never be boring to me.”
They kiss again. Valerie climbs on top of Ezra; she’s ready for round two. Ezra stops things before they get too intense.
Ezra: “Just let me read this poem to you. I really want you to hear it; it means a lot to me if you hear it.”
Valerie: “Okay, let’s hear it.”
Ezra: “Remember, it’s a work in progress.”
Valerie: “Just read it, Ezra Pound.”
Ezra: “It’s titled Coaster.”
Valerie: “Get on with it.”
Ezra:” Valerie, my pasta princess, my Korean BBQ queen, the apple of my eye, the hogger of bedsheets. In the winter, I shiver for you and only you.
“My heart’s true desire, your soft touch, your warm sweet kiss feels like home, my soulmate, my partner in crime, the only person I want to be with at the end of the night.
“One day I’m going to put a ring on your left hand, like you put a ring on my coffee table, Valerie, my love, please use a coaster!”
(beat)
So, what do you think?”
Valerie: “Yes, I’ll marry you.”
INT. COMMERCIAL SOUNDSTAGE, (DREAM SEQUENCE), NIGHT
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “It’s your comrade, Robotic Joseph Stalin. When I am not appearing in my little Valerie’s dreams, I am out on the town partying with women and drinking nothing but the finest vodka: Russian Standard Vodka. Its smooth-filtered taste makes it the best in my little Valerie’s price range.”
Oscar Loreto Jr: “And cut. We’ve got it guys. That’s a wrap on Robotic Joseph Stalin; everybody give him a hand.”
The cast and crew of the commercial give Robotic Joseph Stalin a round of applause.
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Thank you guys. I just want to say that the greatness that we did here today wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for all of you. Give yourselves a round of applause.”
Everyone claps again.
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Oscar, can I talk to you in private?”
Oscar Loreto Jr: “Sure thing, RJS. Everybody take five and enjoy the great craft service table we have in the back. Save a taco for me.”
INT. ROBOTIC JOSEPH STALIN’S TRAILER, DAY
Robotic Joseph Stalin is in his makeup chair.
Oscar Loreto Jr: “What’s up, RJS?”
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Oscar, do you know when this dream is going to appear in Valerie’s head?”
Oscar Loreto Jr: “Not sure when her subconscious has this scheduled to run yet, RJS. I do know the subconscious is really excited about two sex dreams with Idris Elba and a nightmare where Valerie unknowingly goes into labor while taking a test that she didn’t study for.“
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Is it a Spanish test?”
Oscar Loreto Jr: “I think so.”
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “I’m in that. I play the Spanish teacher.”
Oscar Loreto Jr: “That’s a pretty big get. Word around the subconscious is it will be a recurring nightmare.”
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Yeah, but can you believe Idris Elba has two sex dreams coming up?”
Oscar Loreto Jr: “Yeah, the subconscious really likes him, he tested well with the sex organs.”
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “’Tested well with the sex organs?’ Robotic Joseph Stalin is sexy. Why Valerie didn’t have me appear in sexy dreams? Is Robotic Joseph Stalin not sexy, Oscar?”
Oscar Loreto Jr: “You are the sexiest, RJS.”
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Thank you, Oscar, for boosting this old robotic man’s ego.…Back in my day I used to get all the ladies. Valerie always had me appear with two ladies. Trust me, Oscar, comrade, those ladies were pleasured. Robotic Joseph Stalin went all night, or until my battery went too low, whichever came first, my comrade. Now Robotic Joseph Stalin only appears in weird dreams, mostly involving sandwiches and a fear of motherhood. Why Robotic Joseph Stalin can’t be sexy? Just let Robotic Joseph Stalin hit up the nearest Fry’s Electronics, get his processor upgraded and look out ladies. …Who is Robotic Joseph Stalin kidding? He is too old to be sexy.”
Oscar Loreto Jr: “Don’t say that, RJS. You’ve still got it. You’re a legend. Nobody has been in the business as long as you, or doing it as good as you, RJS.”
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Yeah, true. Robotic Joseph Stalin is just happy still to be appearing in little Valerie’s dreams. Robotic Joseph Stalin moved from childhood imaginary friend to Spanish teacher in what could be a recurring nightmare. Most of the people I started with aren’t working anymore, like that Josh Hartnett guy. That guy was in her dreams for years and now he can’t get work in a repressed memory. “
INT. GABBY CHO’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
It’s two in the morning. The Cho sisters sit on Gabby’s couch. They have just finished binge-watching the entire four-season run of TV show “The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell”.
Announcer on the TV: “Next time on ‘The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell,’ Wanda must decide which boy she’s going to go to the prom with. Will it be Archie, the captain of the water polo team? Or will it be Tampopo the hot, but quiet Japanese foreign exchange student? Find out on the next episode of ‘The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell’ in two weeks.”
Gabby: “Two weeks! But I want to know now. Are you sure we’re all caught up?”
Valerie: “According to Jake’s Netflix account that was the latest episode.”
Gabby: “Does he know we still have access to his account?”
Valerie: “If he didn’t before, he knows now.”
Gabby takes the remote and flips through the different shows and movies available on the Netflix app.
Gabby Cho: “It’s been a while since I heard you mention Ezra. I’m proud of you. I always knew that you could do better than that douche nozzle.”
Valerie: “I love-- well I loved that douche nozzle, but maybe he was right. Maybe we did Tokyo-Drift apart.”
Gabby: “Please stop saying that; nobody says that. You’re not going to make it a thing.”
Valerie: “Maybe we were two ships just passing in a very, very, very, very long night.”
Gabby: “It wasn’t that long.”
Valerie: “Okay fine, it was two very’s. What I’m trying to say is, like all good things, me and Ezra’s hot, passionate, torrid love affair which will be remembered for the ages, has come to an end.”
Valerie’s phone receives a text and she quickly responds. She gets up from the couch and enters her sister’s bedroom.
Gabby continues searching for something to watch. She finally settles on something when Valerie walks out of her bedroom holding a black polka-dot dress.
Valerie: “Can I borrow this?”
Gabby nods her head in approval.
Valerie goes back into Gabby’s bedroom and closes the door.
In the background we hear water running for a few minutes, then a bathroom ceiling fan and finally light switches being turned off.
Valerie walks out of her sister’s room looking like a woman on a mission to get her man back.
Valerie:” How do I look?”
Gabby: “Great; I’m a little jealous. That dress looks better on you than me. Not to sound like Mom here, but it’s almost three in the morning. Where are you going?”
Valerie: “I’m meeting a friend.”
Gabby:” Please tell me it’s not Ezra.”
Valerie: “Um...”
Gabby:” I thought you guys Tokyo Drifted apart. Oh my God, now I’m saying your stupid nonsense. “
Valerie: “Sometimes Tokyo drifts apart and sometimes Tokyo comes together for a booty call. Sometimes Tokyo has needs and Tokyo would rather go with a sure thing than somebody it picked up on OkCupid.”
Pickup Poetry
An Ezra Stevens Original
Here is a tale of hemi-heartbreak. After three years together, my self-driving pickup truck had enough. In the middle of the night, it collected its stuff, pulled out of my garage and power-steered out of my life forever. A few days later I got a text saying that it wanted to explore new roads without me.
My life and my commute have come apart. How do I fill the empty parking spot in my heart? Tow, tow these hurt feelings away, I don’t care how much I have to pay. Why did my truck have to go away?
I wish I could put time in reverse and flip a U-turn on my pickup’s broken heart. I would do everything differently. I would buy the extended warranty. Check her engine every day, rotate her tires, and practice all her suggested routine vehicle maintenance. Do whatever she desires.
It was a light duty truck, but it gave me heavy heartbreak.
INT. THE SOCIETY OF PRESERVATION FOR UGLY ANIMAL OFFICE, DAY, 2011
Heather: “And the final topic of the afternoon: the end-of-the season dinner party. Does anyone want to take the lead on this?”
The room is quiet for a moment.
Zoe: “Valerie has great organization skills; let her host it this year.”
Cassy: “Yeah, Valerie is great at that kind of stuff. Look how well we did at the bake sale earlier this year; that was all her.”
Heather: “Valerie, how do you feel? You think you’re up to the task? This dinner party is make-or-break for the charity.”
Valerie: “I’m going to Oprah the fuck out of this dinner party.”
INT. BANQUET HALL, NIGHT, (DREAM SEQUENCE)
Valerie Cho is in a big fancy banquet hall filled with dozens of guests. She stands onstage with a microphone in her hand about to address the crowd. All the crowd’s attention is on her and her Vera Wang, black-with-white-polka-dots dress, which cost more than what she makes in six months.
Valerie: “Tonight’s dinner is…sandwiches!”
Dinner Guest: “Sandwiches? Oh my god, I love sandwiches!”
Valerie: “And the best part is, everybody gets a sandwich.”
The crowd goes wild with cheers. The banquet hall doors open up and teams of servers wheel out carts of sandwiches. Valerie, still onstage, is handed a sandwich.
Valerie: “You get a sandwich, you get a sandwich, and you get a sandwich, and you get a sandwich. Everybody gets a sandwich!”
Robotic Joseph Stalin, a robot that looks like a member of the band Daft Punk, but with an animated picture of Joseph Stalin on its LCD screen, stands up.
Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Even I get a sandwich, Comrade?”
Valerie: “You always get a sandwich, Comrade.”
A waiter appears beside Robotic Joseph Stalin and hands him a sandwich. Robotic Joseph Stalin gives a thumbs-up in approval.
Valerie: “Oh, it’s not over. Not only do you get a sandwich, but you also get your choice of fruit or cookie!”
The crowd gets even wilder. Sandwiches are being waved in the air and people are hugging each other. More waiters are coming into the banquet hall with carts of cookies and fruits.
Robotic Joseph Stalin points to Valerie then points to himself, makes a heart symbol and then points back at Valerie. Valerie responds in kind.
Valerie is onstage basking in the glory of this moment. This is her finest dream moment. She is smiling like she has done something important with her life. She will remember this dream for the rest of her life.
INT. THE SOCIETY OF PRESERVATION FOR UGLY ANIMAL OFFICE DAY
Valerie is still caught up in her daydream. She’s got a giant smile on her face.
Heather:” -Hello? Earth to Valerie. Valerie?”
Valerie: “Oh, I’m sorry; I kind of zoned out there for a minute. Yeah, I’ll do it. (beat) I hope you guys like sandwiches.”
EXT. THE ROYAL STABLES, DAY
Medieval Europe. KING CHARLES and SHERIFF JOHN are inspecting the royal stables before their morning ride when the King sees two teenage stable boys sharing a box of Kellogg’s Apple Jacks. The two men walk over to the boys.
King Charles: “Boys, what are you eating?”
Stable Boy 1: “Apple Jacks, your majesty.”
King Charles: “Apple Jacks? What are these Apple Jacks that you speak of?”
Stable Boy 2: “It’s a sweet, crunchy, apple and cinnamon cereal that is part of a complete breakfast, your majesty.”
King Charles: “May I try some of your Apple Jacks?”
Stable Boy 1: “Of course, your majesty.”
King Charles eats a spoonful of Apple Jacks. He is surprised by how good it tastes.”
King Charles: “What kind of tomfoolery is this? This doesn’t taste like apples.”
Sheriff John: “Are you boys trying to get one over on your king?”
Stable Boy 2: “Never, my lord.”
King Charles: “This cereal is called Apple Jacks, but doesn’t taste like apples.”
Stable Boy 1: “We know.”
King Charles: “I don’t understand why you boys like a cereal that is called Apple Jacks but doesn’t taste like apples.”
The stable boys look at each other, not sure what to do or say.
Stable Boy 2: “We just do.”
King Charles takes another spoonful of cereal.
King Charles: “Sheriff John!”
Sheriff John: “Yes, your majesty?”
King Charles takes the bowl of Apple Jacks.
King Charles: “Have these boys killed.”
Sheriff John: “Yes, your majesty.”
Stable boys (in unison):” No!”
Announcer (voiceover): “Apple and cinnamon make Kellogg’s Apple Jacks an apple-y sweet part of a complete breakfast.”
King Charles enjoys his bowl of Apple Jacks while in the background Sheriff John stabs the stable boys.