Wedding Reception

INT. WEDDING CHAPEL, DAY

 The happy mood that filled the church this morning is gone, and the crowd with it. It’s just the Cho sisters sitting next to each other in the pews. Ezra Stevens has made his choice. Gabby Cho is trying and failing to console her heartbroken sister.

 Valerie: “Why did he choose her? What makes Eleanor so special? What does she have that I don’t?”

 Gabby: “I don’t know, real shrimp flavor and no MSG?”

 Valerie laughs, then she starts crying. She puts her head on her sister’s shoulder and continues to cry. Gabby puts her arm around her sister.

 Gabby: “Let it all out, baby girl.”

 Valerie’s tears begin to leave a stain on her sister’s bridesmaid dress.

 Valerie: “I’m sorry.”

 Gabby: “It’s okay.”

 Valerie continues to cry.

 Gabby: “Do you want to get a family-size bucket from Seoulmates and watch ‘Wanda Russell’ later?”

 Valerie: “Yeah. (beat) Do you want to go now?”

 Gabby: “Whenever you’re ready.”

Funkadelic’s “Can You Get to That” plays in the background.

Valerie continues to cry as the camera fades out.

After these Messages

INT. WEDDING CHAPEL, MORNING

The chapel is full of people. Love and happiness are in the air. Valerie Cho and her bridesmaids stand to the left of the Minister at the wedding altar. Ezra Stevens and his groomsmen stand on the right. It’s picture-perfect; nothing can go wrong.

Minister: “If anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

There is a loud boom as the chapel door bursts open. A bright light floods the screen. A mysterious figure walks into the frame. Everyone in the chapel gasps.

Ezra: “Eleanor?!”

Cut to the mysterious figure, ELEANOR, who is an unopened bowl of ramen noodles.

Valerie: “You two are in love with each other. Ezra, is this true?”

Ezra: “Valerie, baby, I can explain.”

Valerie: “Alright Clarissa, explain it all.”

Cut to Eleanor.

Valerie: “Oh my God, Ezra, how could you do this to me? How could you do this to us?”

Cut back to Eleanor.

Ezra: “It’s true, but to be honest, I’m in love with both of you.”

Cut back to Eleanor.

Valerie: “No, Ezra, she’s right. You have to choose between me or her.”

Ezra looks at both women.

Cut to a close-up of Valerie.

Cut to a close-up of Eleanor.

Ezra: “I’m sorry, but I choose--”

Announcer (voiceover): “Valerie or Eleanor: who will Ezra choose? Find out after these messages.”

The Burger King

Announcer (voiceover): “Coming soon to Netflix. An epic four-part miniseries from the producers of ‘Game of Thrones’. 

 He fights for his freedom. 

He fights for his people. 

He fights for his country. 

He fights for you to have it your way. 

He is the Burger King!

This summer, one fry cook will rise up and unite all the burger shacks, joints and places to defend the burger kingdom from golden-arched invaders and become the Burger King. 

 Heavy is the head that wears the flame-broiled crown!

Coaster 2.0

INT. EZRA STEVENS BEDROOM, NIGHT

EZRA STEVENS and Valerie Cho cuddle in bed together, enjoying post makeup-sex bliss. Mac Miller’s “We” plays in the background.

Ezra: “So what are we doing this weekend?”

Valerie smiles.

Ezra: “What?”

Valerie:” I love it when you use we to describe us.”

They kiss.

Ezra:” We, we, we.”

They kiss again.

Ezra: “You want to hear this poem I wrote for you?”

Valerie: “You write poetry?”

Ezra: “I dabble from time to time.”

Valerie:” Real estate and now poetry, is there anything else I don’t know about you?”

Ezra: “There is so much you don’t know about me.”

Valerie: “Oh, Mister Mysterious over here. Don’t worry, one day I’ll learn all of your secrets.”

Ezra: “I hope not.”

Valerie gives him a confused look.

Ezra: “Then I would be boring.”

Valerie: “Trust me, you’ll never be boring to me.”

They kiss again. Valerie climbs on top of Ezra; she’s ready for round two. Ezra stops things before they get too intense.

Ezra: “Just let me read this poem to you. I really want you to hear it; it means a lot to me if you hear it.”

Valerie: “Okay, let’s hear it.”

Ezra: “Remember, it’s a work in progress.”

Valerie: “Just read it, Ezra Pound.”

Ezra: “It’s titled Coaster.”

Valerie: “Get on with it.”

Ezra:” Valerie, my pasta princess, my Korean BBQ queen, the apple of my eye, the hogger of bedsheets. In the winter, I shiver for you and only you.

“My heart’s true desire, your soft touch, your warm sweet kiss feels like home, my soulmate, my partner in crime, the only person I want to be with at the end of the night.

“One day I’m going to put a ring on your left hand, like you put a ring on my coffee table, Valerie, my love, please use a coaster!”

(beat)

So, what do you think?”

Valerie: “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

Russian Standard Vodka

INT. COMMERCIAL SOUNDSTAGE, (DREAM SEQUENCE), NIGHT

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “It’s your comrade, Robotic Joseph Stalin. When I am not appearing in my little Valerie’s dreams, I am out on the town partying with women and drinking nothing but the finest vodka: Russian Standard Vodka. Its smooth-filtered taste makes it the best in my little Valerie’s price range.”

Oscar Loreto Jr: “And cut. We’ve got it guys. That’s a wrap on Robotic Joseph Stalin; everybody give him a hand.”

The cast and crew of the commercial give Robotic Joseph Stalin a round of applause.

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Thank you guys. I just want to say that the greatness that we did here today wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for all of you. Give yourselves a round of applause.”

Everyone claps again.

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Oscar, can I talk to you in private?”

Oscar Loreto Jr: “Sure thing, RJS. Everybody take five and enjoy the great craft service table we have in the back. Save a taco for me.”

INT. ROBOTIC JOSEPH STALIN’S TRAILER, DAY

Robotic Joseph Stalin is in his makeup chair.

Oscar Loreto Jr: “What’s up, RJS?”

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Oscar, do you know when this dream is going to appear in Valerie’s head?”

Oscar Loreto Jr: “Not sure when her subconscious has this scheduled to run yet, RJS. I do know the subconscious is really excited about two sex dreams with Idris Elba and a nightmare where Valerie unknowingly goes into labor while taking a test that she didn’t study for.“

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Is it a Spanish test?”

Oscar Loreto Jr: “I think so.”

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “I’m in that. I play the Spanish teacher.”

Oscar Loreto Jr: “That’s a pretty big get. Word around the subconscious is it will be a recurring nightmare.”

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Yeah, but can you believe Idris Elba has two sex dreams coming up?”

Oscar Loreto Jr: “Yeah, the subconscious really likes him, he tested well with the sex organs.”

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “’Tested well with the sex organs?’ Robotic Joseph Stalin is sexy. Why Valerie didn’t have me appear in sexy dreams? Is Robotic Joseph Stalin not sexy, Oscar?”

Oscar Loreto Jr: “You are the sexiest, RJS.”

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Thank you, Oscar, for boosting this old robotic man’s ego.…Back in my day I used to get all the ladies. Valerie always had me appear with two ladies. Trust me, Oscar, comrade, those ladies were pleasured. Robotic Joseph Stalin went all night, or until my battery went too low, whichever came first, my comrade. Now Robotic Joseph Stalin only appears in weird dreams, mostly involving sandwiches and a fear of motherhood. Why Robotic Joseph Stalin can’t be sexy? Just let Robotic Joseph Stalin hit up the nearest Fry’s Electronics, get his processor upgraded and look out ladies. …Who is Robotic Joseph Stalin kidding? He is too old to be sexy.”

Oscar Loreto Jr: “Don’t say that, RJS. You’ve still got it. You’re a legend. Nobody has been in the business as long as you, or doing it as good as you, RJS.”

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Yeah, true. Robotic Joseph Stalin is just happy still to be appearing in little Valerie’s dreams. Robotic Joseph Stalin moved from childhood imaginary friend to Spanish teacher in what could be a recurring nightmare. Most of the people I started with aren’t working anymore, like that Josh Hartnett guy. That guy was in her dreams for years and now he can’t get work in a repressed memory. “

Booty Call

INT. GABBY CHO’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

It’s two in the morning. The Cho sisters sit on Gabby’s couch. They have just finished binge-watching the entire four-season run of TV show “The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell”.

Announcer on the TV: “Next time on ‘The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell,’ Wanda must decide which boy she’s going to go to the prom with. Will it be Archie, the captain of the water polo team? Or will it be Tampopo the hot, but quiet Japanese foreign exchange student? Find out on the next episode of ‘The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell’ in two weeks.”

Gabby: “Two weeks! But I want to know now. Are you sure we’re all caught up?”

Valerie: “According to Jake’s Netflix account that was the latest episode.”

Gabby: “Does he know we still have access to his account?”

Valerie: “If he didn’t before, he knows now.” 

Gabby takes the remote and flips through the different shows and movies available on the Netflix app.

Gabby Cho: “It’s been a while since I heard you mention Ezra. I’m proud of you. I always knew that you could do better than that douche nozzle.”

Valerie: “I love-- well I loved that douche nozzle, but maybe he was right. Maybe we did Tokyo-Drift apart.”

Gabby: “Please stop saying that; nobody says that. You’re not going to make it a thing.”

Valerie: “Maybe we were two ships just passing in a very, very, very, very long night.”

Gabby: “It wasn’t that long.”

Valerie: “Okay fine, it was two very’s. What I’m trying to say is, like all good things, me and Ezra’s hot, passionate, torrid love affair which will be remembered for the ages, has come to an end.” 

Valerie’s phone receives a text and she quickly responds. She gets up from the couch and enters her sister’s bedroom.

Gabby continues searching for something to watch. She finally settles on something when Valerie walks out of her bedroom holding a black polka-dot dress.

Valerie: “Can I borrow this?”

Gabby nods her head in approval.

Valerie goes back into Gabby’s bedroom and closes the door.

In the background we hear water running for a few minutes, then a bathroom ceiling fan and finally light switches being turned off.

Valerie walks out of her sister’s room looking like a woman on a mission to get her man back.

Valerie:” How do I look?”

Gabby: “Great; I’m a little jealous. That dress looks better on you than me. Not to sound like Mom here, but it’s almost three in the morning. Where are you going?”

Valerie: “I’m meeting a friend.”

Gabby:” Please tell me it’s not Ezra.”

Valerie: “Um...”

Gabby:” I thought you guys Tokyo Drifted apart. Oh my God, now I’m saying your stupid nonsense. “

Valerie: “Sometimes Tokyo drifts apart and sometimes Tokyo comes together for a booty call. Sometimes Tokyo has needs and Tokyo would rather go with a sure thing than somebody it picked up on OkCupid.”

Pickup Poetry

Pickup Poetry

An Ezra Stevens Original

Here is a tale of hemi-heartbreak. After three years together, my self-driving pickup truck had enough. In the middle of the night, it collected its stuff, pulled out of my garage and power-steered out of my life forever. A few days later I got a text saying that it wanted to explore new roads without me.

My life and my commute have come apart. How do I fill the empty parking spot in my heart? Tow, tow these hurt feelings away, I don’t care how much I have to pay. Why did my truck have to go away?

I wish I could put time in reverse and flip a U-turn on my pickup’s broken heart. I would do everything differently. I would buy the extended warranty. Check her engine every day, rotate her tires, and practice all her suggested routine vehicle maintenance. Do whatever she desires.

It was a light duty truck, but it gave me heavy heartbreak.

Dinner Party

INT. THE SOCIETY OF PRESERVATION FOR UGLY ANIMAL OFFICE, DAY, 2011

Heather: “And the final topic of the afternoon: the end-of-the season dinner party. Does anyone want to take the lead on this?”

The room is quiet for a moment.

Zoe: “Valerie has great organization skills; let her host it this year.”

Cassy: “Yeah, Valerie is great at that kind of stuff. Look how well we did at the bake sale earlier this year; that was all her.”

Heather: “Valerie, how do you feel? You think you’re up to the task? This dinner party is make-or-break for the charity.”

Valerie: “I’m going to Oprah the fuck out of this dinner party.”

INT. BANQUET HALL, NIGHT, (DREAM SEQUENCE)

Valerie Cho is in a big fancy banquet hall filled with dozens of guests. She stands onstage with a microphone in her hand about to address the crowd. All the crowd’s attention is on her and her Vera Wang, black-with-white-polka-dots dress, which cost more than what she makes in six months.

Valerie: “Tonight’s dinner is…sandwiches!”

Dinner Guest: “Sandwiches? Oh my god, I love sandwiches!”

Valerie: “And the best part is, everybody gets a sandwich.”

The crowd goes wild with cheers. The banquet hall doors open up and teams of servers wheel out carts of sandwiches. Valerie, still onstage, is handed a sandwich.

Valerie: “You get a sandwich, you get a sandwich, and you get a sandwich, and you get a sandwich. Everybody gets a sandwich!”

Robotic Joseph Stalin, a robot that looks like a member of the band Daft Punk, but with an animated picture of Joseph Stalin on its LCD screen, stands up.

Robotic Joseph Stalin: “Even I get a sandwich, Comrade?”

Valerie: “You always get a sandwich, Comrade.”

A waiter appears beside Robotic Joseph Stalin and hands him a sandwich. Robotic Joseph Stalin gives a thumbs-up in approval.

Valerie: “Oh, it’s not over. Not only do you get a sandwich, but you also get your choice of fruit or cookie!”

The crowd gets even wilder. Sandwiches are being waved in the air and people are hugging each other. More waiters are coming into the banquet hall with carts of cookies and fruits.

Robotic Joseph Stalin points to Valerie then points to himself, makes a heart symbol and then points back at Valerie. Valerie responds in kind.

Valerie is onstage basking in the glory of this moment. This is her finest dream moment. She is smiling like she has done something important with her life. She will remember this dream for the rest of her life.

INT. THE SOCIETY OF PRESERVATION FOR UGLY ANIMAL OFFICE DAY

Valerie is still caught up in her daydream. She’s got a giant smile on her face.

Heather:” -Hello? Earth to Valerie. Valerie?”

Valerie: “Oh, I’m sorry; I kind of zoned out there for a minute. Yeah, I’ll do it. (beat) I hope you guys like sandwiches.”

APPLE JACKS

EXT. THE ROYAL STABLES, DAY

Medieval Europe. KING CHARLES and SHERIFF JOHN are inspecting the royal stables before their morning ride when the King sees two teenage stable boys sharing a box of Kellogg’s Apple Jacks.  The two men walk over to the boys.

King Charles: “Boys, what are you eating?”

Stable Boy 1: “Apple Jacks, your majesty.”

King Charles: “Apple Jacks? What are these Apple Jacks that you speak of?”

Stable Boy 2: “It’s a sweet, crunchy, apple and cinnamon cereal that is part of a complete breakfast, your majesty.”

King Charles: “May I try some of your Apple Jacks?”

Stable Boy 1: “Of course, your majesty.”

King Charles eats a spoonful of Apple Jacks. He is surprised by how good it tastes.”

King Charles: “What kind of tomfoolery is this? This doesn’t taste like apples.”

Sheriff John: “Are you boys trying to get one over on your king?”

Stable Boy 2: “Never, my lord.”

King Charles: “This cereal is called Apple Jacks, but doesn’t taste like apples.”

Stable Boy 1: “We know.”

King Charles: “I don’t understand why you boys like a cereal  that is called Apple Jacks but doesn’t taste like apples.”

The stable boys look at each other, not sure what to do or say.

Stable Boy 2: “We just do.”

King Charles takes another spoonful of cereal.

King Charles: “Sheriff John!”

Sheriff John: “Yes, your majesty?”

King Charles takes the bowl of Apple Jacks.

King Charles: “Have these boys killed.”

Sheriff John: “Yes, your majesty.”

Stable boys (in unison):” No!”

Announcer (voiceover): “Apple and cinnamon make Kellogg’s Apple Jacks an apple-y sweet part of a complete breakfast.”

King Charles enjoys his bowl of Apple Jacks while in the background Sheriff John stabs the stable boys.

The One That Got Away

INT. KNIGHTS DRUGS PHOTO LAB, DAY, 2009

Jake the Pharmacy Technician, back when he was Jake the Head Photo Specialist, drains and replaces the chemicals in the film processor. Valerie Cho opens the makeshift curtain that separates the photo machines from the rest of the lab and walks in. She waits for the curtain to close before doing a happy dance.

Jake the Head Photo Specialist turns around to see his protégé doing her happy dance.

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Why are you so happy?”

Valerie: “I got a phone number.”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “You’re an attractive lady. I have seen men give you their phone number whether you ask for it or not, so what makes this guy so special?”

Valerie: “This is no ordinary guy; this is Ezra Stevens.”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Okay, you say that like I’m supposed to know who that is.”

Valerie: “Sorry, he was my high school crush, the one that got away. We always liked each other back then, but we never got together. I don’t remember why.”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “I see. Well congratulations. I wish nothing but the best for you two. Can you hand me that bucket?”

Valerie hands Jake the bucket. Jake puts the bucket under the film processor, turns a knob on the machine, and a loud gush of dark chemicals rushes into the bucket. 

Valerie: “Was there ever a lady like that for you, Jake?”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Yeah. Ashley Moraski, but that ship has sailed and sunk permanently.”

Valerie: “Why is that?”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Well according to Facebook, for the last four years she has been rocking the “I Want to Speak to Your Manager” haircut. On a good day I get yelled at by that haircut for almost an entire shift; I don’t want to come home and make love to it.”

 Valerie: “Valid point.”

 Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Also because she’s married. And a lesbian.”

 Valerie: “Also valid points.”

Any Questions

INT. KNIGHTS DRUGS PHARMACY DRIVE THRU WINDOW, NIGHT

JAKE THE PHARMACY TECHNICIAN finishes up a transaction with a patient.

Jake the Pharmacy Technician: “Do you have any questions for the pharmacist? “

Patient: “Which one of these prescriptions goes well with red wine?”

Jake the Pharmacy Technician gives the patient a blank stare.

Patient: “Just kidding, have a great night. “

The Patient drives off.

Jake the Pharmacy Technician: “I’m so tired of hearing that joke.”

Flat Iron

INT. KNIGHTS DRUGS MAIN REGISTER, NIGHT, 2011

Knights Drugs is the third-best drug store retail chain in the country. They aren’t as big or fancy as Walgreens or CVS, but what they lack in size, marketing, and/or location they make up in quality customer service.

CUT TO an adult Valerie Cho (26), head photo specialist, standing behind the main cash register. A woman comes into the store with a Knights Drugs shopping bag hoping to make a return. Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle” plays on the store radio.

Valerie: “Welcome to Knights Drugs, what can I do for you this evening?”

Customer: “I would like to return this flat iron. It never got hot for me.”

Valerie: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have the receipt?”

Customer: “Yeah I do. I guess the flat iron only sees me as a friend.”

Valerie: “Rejection can be hard, even when it comes from our appliances. Just because we buy them doesn’t mean that they have to love us.”

Customer: “True, I’ll make it through. I know there is a flat iron somewhere out there that will get hot for me.”

Valerie: “There you go.”

Valerie's Story

INT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL BUS, AFTERNOON, 2001

High school senior GABBY CHO sits in the back of the bus and looks out the window, waiting for her younger sister, sophomore Valerie Cho, to show up. Gabby turns from the window when she hears a loud stomping noise. Of course, it’s her sister. Valerie has an excited look on her face; she can’t hold back a smile. She sits next to her sister.

Gabby: “Why are you so happy?”

Valerie: “I did it! I asked Ezra Stevens out at lunch today, like you told me to do.”

Gabby: “That’s awesome dude. I knew you could do it. So how did it go?”

Valerie: “He said that he would go out with me if I got straight A’s at the end of the quarter.”

Gabby: “So you’re never going out with this guy.”

Valerie: “Wow dude, thanks for the support.”

Gabby: “I know you; you’re a terrible student-- no offense. More importantly, you can do better than this guy.”

Valerie: “I can change. The love of a good man could be the motivation I need to turn my grades around.”

Gabby: “This guy sounds like a real douche nozzle to me, but if you’re serious about getting your grades up I’ll help you.”

Valerie: “Dead serious.”

THREE WEEKS LATER

INT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL BUS, AFTERNOON

Gabby Cho sits in the back of the bus and watches for sister to shuffle aboard. Valerie makes no effort to hide her disappointment. She sits down next to her sister and doesn’t say anything.

Gabby: “Let’s see that progress report.”

Valerie goes to hand her sister the progress report, but stops.

Valerie: “If Ezra can’t accept who I am, then he doesn’t deserve to be with me.”

Gabby: “That bad?”

Valerie:” Yeah.”

Valerie puts her head on her sister’s shoulder in disappointment. “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World begins to play in the background.

The Crook in the Breakfast Nook

EXT. SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT, NIGHT

Gabby Cho unlocks her car.

Announcer (voiceover): "First Nicolas Cage stole your car."

Gabby opens her car door. Nicolas Cage jumps up from out of nowhere and pushes her down. He gets into the car.

Gabby: "Oh my God, help! Somebody please help."

Nicolas Cage drives off in Gabby's car.

Gabby: "Somebody help, he's stealing my car."

Announcer (voiceover): "Then he stole the Declaration of Independence."

INT. THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES, DAY

Gabby Cho is with her boyfriend enjoying the museum when Nicolas Cage with the Declaration of Independence in his hands runs by her. Nicolas Cage is being chased by security.

Gabby: "Oh my God, somebody stop him! He's stealing our freedom!"

Announcer (voiceover): "Next summer, Nicolas Cage is going to steal your breakfast."

INT. GABBY CHO’S APARTMENT, MORNING
Gabby sits down at her breakfast table about to enjoy her waffles when Nicolas Cage sneaks up from under the table and grabs Gabby's waffles.

Gabby: "Nic, no, leggo my Eggo."

Announcer (voiceover): "Next summer Nicolas Cage is Alex LaChef, the world's premier culinary thief, in ‘The Crook in the Breakfast Nook’."

The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell

INT. THE RUSSELL HOUSE LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

Announcer (voiceover): "Next time on 'The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell,' America's favorite high school student has a hot and steamy date with the new Japanese foreign exchange student at her school."

 Wanda Russell: "I can't believe he asked me out."

 The doorbell rings.

 Wanda Russell: "He's here. How do I look Mom?"

 Mrs. Russell: "You look marvelous honey, simply marvelous."

 Wanda Russell: "Thank you, Mom."

 Wanda runs to open the door, but no one is there. Her face begins to crinkle and she lets out a whimper before looking down. When she looks down her face lights up with excitement. 

 Cut to the doorway. There stands Wanda’s date: an unopened bowl of ramen noodles wearing a bowtie. Next to the bowl of ramen is a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.

 Cut back to Wanda. 

 Wanda picks up the flowers and chocolates. 

 Wanda Russell: "These are for me? Thank you. These are beautiful flowers. I love your bow tie."

 Cut back to Wanda’s date, the unopened bowl of ramen. 

 Cut back to a blushing Wanda.

Wanda Russell: "You say that to all the girls. You ready?"

Wanda grabs her purse and walks out the door. The door closes for a quick second before it cracks open enough for Wanda to pop her head in. 

Wanda Russell: "Don't wait up, Mom!"

Announcer (voiceover): "‘The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell’, Thursday nights at 8 PM on CBS and on CBS All Access."