The One That Got Away

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INT. KNIGHTS DRUGS PHOTO LAB, DAY, 2009

Jake the Pharmacy Technician, back when he was Jake the Head Photo Specialist, drains and replaces the chemicals in the film processor. Valerie Cho opens the makeshift curtain that separates the photo machines from the rest of the lab and walks in. She waits for the curtain to close before doing a happy dance.

Jake the Head Photo Specialist turns around to see his protégé doing her happy dance.

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Why are you so happy?”

Valerie: “I got a phone number.”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “You’re an attractive lady. I have seen men give you their phone number whether you ask for it or not, so what makes this guy so special?”

Valerie: “This is no ordinary guy; this is Ezra Stevens.”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Okay, you say that like I’m supposed to know who that is.”

Valerie: “Sorry, he was my high school crush, the one that got away. We always liked each other back then, but we never got together. I don’t remember why.”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “I see. Well congratulations. I wish nothing but the best for you two. Can you hand me that bucket?”

Valerie hands Jake the bucket. Jake puts the bucket under the film processor, turns a knob on the machine, and a loud gush of dark chemicals rushes into the bucket. 

Valerie: “Was there ever a lady like that for you, Jake?”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Yeah. Ashley Moraski, but that ship has sailed and sunk permanently.”

Valerie: “Why is that?”

Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Well according to Facebook, for the last four years she has been rocking the “I Want to Speak to Your Manager” haircut. On a good day I get yelled at by that haircut for almost an entire shift; I don’t want to come home and make love to it.”

 Valerie: “Valid point.”

 Jake the Head Photo Specialist: “Also because she’s married. And a lesbian.”

 Valerie: “Also valid points.”

Any Questions

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INT. KNIGHTS DRUGS PHARMACY DRIVE THRU WINDOW, NIGHT

JAKE THE PHARMACY TECHNICIAN finishes up a transaction with a patient.

Jake the Pharmacy Technician: “Do you have any questions for the pharmacist? “

Patient: “Which one of these prescriptions goes well with red wine?”

Jake the Pharmacy Technician gives the patient a blank stare.

Patient: “Just kidding, have a great night. “

The Patient drives off.

Jake the Pharmacy Technician: “I’m so tired of hearing that joke.”

Flat Iron

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INT. KNIGHTS DRUGS MAIN REGISTER, NIGHT, 2011

Knights Drugs is the third-best drug store retail chain in the country. They aren’t as big or fancy as Walgreens or CVS, but what they lack in size, marketing, and/or location they make up in quality customer service.

CUT TO an adult Valerie Cho (26), head photo specialist, standing behind the main cash register. A woman comes into the store with a Knights Drugs shopping bag hoping to make a return. Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle” plays on the store radio.

Valerie: “Welcome to Knights Drugs, what can I do for you this evening?”

Customer: “I would like to return this flat iron. It never got hot for me.”

Valerie: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have the receipt?”

Customer: “Yeah I do. I guess the flat iron only sees me as a friend.”

Valerie: “Rejection can be hard, even when it comes from our appliances. Just because we buy them doesn’t mean that they have to love us.”

Customer: “True, I’ll make it through. I know there is a flat iron somewhere out there that will get hot for me.”

Valerie: “There you go.”

Valerie's Story

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INT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL BUS, AFTERNOON, 2001

High school senior GABBY CHO sits in the back of the bus and looks out the window, waiting for her younger sister, sophomore Valerie Cho, to show up. Gabby turns from the window when she hears a loud stomping noise. Of course, it’s her sister. Valerie has an excited look on her face; she can’t hold back a smile. She sits next to her sister.

Gabby: “Why are you so happy?”

Valerie: “I did it! I asked Ezra Stevens out at lunch today, like you told me to do.”

Gabby: “That’s awesome dude. I knew you could do it. So how did it go?”

Valerie: “He said that he would go out with me if I got straight A’s at the end of the quarter.”

Gabby: “So you’re never going out with this guy.”

Valerie: “Wow dude, thanks for the support.”

Gabby: “I know you; you’re a terrible student-- no offense. More importantly, you can do better than this guy.”

Valerie: “I can change. The love of a good man could be the motivation I need to turn my grades around.”

Gabby: “This guy sounds like a real douche nozzle to me, but if you’re serious about getting your grades up I’ll help you.”

Valerie: “Dead serious.”

THREE WEEKS LATER

INT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL BUS, AFTERNOON

Gabby Cho sits in the back of the bus and watches for sister to shuffle aboard. Valerie makes no effort to hide her disappointment. She sits down next to her sister and doesn’t say anything.

Gabby: “Let’s see that progress report.”

Valerie goes to hand her sister the progress report, but stops.

Valerie: “If Ezra can’t accept who I am, then he doesn’t deserve to be with me.”

Gabby: “That bad?”

Valerie:” Yeah.”

Valerie puts her head on her sister’s shoulder in disappointment. “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World begins to play in the background.

The Crook in the Breakfast Nook

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EXT. SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT, NIGHT

Gabby Cho unlocks her car.

Announcer (voiceover): "First Nicolas Cage stole your car."

Gabby opens her car door. Nicolas Cage jumps up from out of nowhere and pushes her down. He gets into the car.

Gabby: "Oh my God, help! Somebody please help."

Nicolas Cage drives off in Gabby's car.

Gabby: "Somebody help, he's stealing my car."

Announcer (voiceover): "Then he stole the Declaration of Independence."

INT. THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES, DAY

Gabby Cho is with her boyfriend enjoying the museum when Nicolas Cage with the Declaration of Independence in his hands runs by her. Nicolas Cage is being chased by security.

Gabby: "Oh my God, somebody stop him! He's stealing our freedom!"

Announcer (voiceover): "Next summer, Nicolas Cage is going to steal your breakfast."

INT. GABBY CHO’S APARTMENT, MORNING
Gabby sits down at her breakfast table about to enjoy her waffles when Nicolas Cage sneaks up from under the table and grabs Gabby's waffles.

Gabby: "Nic, no, leggo my Eggo."

Announcer (voiceover): "Next summer Nicolas Cage is Alex LaChef, the world's premier culinary thief, in ‘The Crook in the Breakfast Nook’."

The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell

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INT. THE RUSSELL HOUSE LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

Announcer (voiceover): "Next time on 'The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell,' America's favorite high school student has a hot and steamy date with the new Japanese foreign exchange student at her school."

 Wanda Russell: "I can't believe he asked me out."

 The doorbell rings.

 Wanda Russell: "He's here. How do I look Mom?"

 Mrs. Russell: "You look marvelous honey, simply marvelous."

 Wanda Russell: "Thank you, Mom."

 Wanda runs to open the door, but no one is there. Her face begins to crinkle and she lets out a whimper before looking down. When she looks down her face lights up with excitement. 

 Cut to the doorway. There stands Wanda’s date: an unopened bowl of ramen noodles wearing a bowtie. Next to the bowl of ramen is a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.

 Cut back to Wanda. 

 Wanda picks up the flowers and chocolates. 

 Wanda Russell: "These are for me? Thank you. These are beautiful flowers. I love your bow tie."

 Cut back to Wanda’s date, the unopened bowl of ramen. 

 Cut back to a blushing Wanda.

Wanda Russell: "You say that to all the girls. You ready?"

Wanda grabs her purse and walks out the door. The door closes for a quick second before it cracks open enough for Wanda to pop her head in. 

Wanda Russell: "Don't wait up, Mom!"

Announcer (voiceover): "‘The Everyday Hustle of Wanda Russell’, Thursday nights at 8 PM on CBS and on CBS All Access."

The Negotiator

Announcer (voiceover): "Next time on America’s new, number one-drama, ‘The Negotiator’, The Negotiator has to negotiate his most personal case yet: his own partner.”

 

EXT. TOP LEVEL OF THE DOWNTOWN POLICE PARKING GARAGE, DAY

DETECTIVE KEVIN PHILIPS holds a loaded gun to his head. He’s a broken man, ready to end it all. His best friend and partner, THE NEGOTIATOR, is trying to talk him down. The Negotiator is an unopened bowl of ramen noodles.

Detective Philips: “It’s all over for me. I don’t know how everything got out of control. I never meant for this –-“

Cut to a close-up on The Negotiator.

Detective Philips: “I don’t care what you say; this is the only way. I have done too much. There is no way to come back from this.”

Cut to a tight close-up on The Negotiator.

Detective Philips: “Don’t say that. All I ever wanted to be was a cop, and now with everything I’ve done, I can never be one again.”

Cut to an even tighter close-up on The Negotiator.

Detective Philips: “I failed you…I failed this department…Negotiator, I just want you to know that you were the best partner and…the best friend that anyone could ever have. I’m sorry.”

Cut to a super tight close-up on The Negotiator.

Detective Philips: “I’m sorry buddy, but this is one case you can’t negotiate.”

Detective Philips closes his eyes and the screen fades to black.  There is a loud gun shot, and then sirens blare in the background. Detective Philips opens his eyes. He can’t believe that he is still alive. It’s a miracle, until he looks down. His partner, The Negotiator, has taken the bullet for him. The Negotiator has a large gaping hole in its center. Noodles and the contents of the sauce packet are slowly leaking out of The Negotiator’s bowl.

Detective Philips: “Nooo! Somebody get a doctor; my partner has been shot. Officer down! Officer down!”

Detective Philips drops to his knees and scoops The Negotiator up in his arms. He tries to stop the bleeding.

Detective Philips: “Don’t you die on me, damn it, don’t you die on me!”

Cut to the tightest close-up on The Negotiator possible.

Announcer (voiceover): “America’s new favorite smooth-talking police detective can negotiate anything, but can he negotiate his way out of death? Find out this Friday night right after an all-new ‘Hawaii Five-0’, only on CBS and on CBS All Access.”

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New Store Policy

INT. KNIGHTS DRUGS BREAKROOM, NIGHT

TREVER, the night shift manager, is trying to stop a five-minute meeting from turning into a twenty-minute meeting.

Trever: “Listen up guys, I will keep this quick. New company policy says that we have to card everybody who buys tobacco and alcohol now. No ID, no sell. It’s that simple, guys. You get caught selling to someone without checking their ID, that’s an automatic third strike, you’re fired.”

Employee 1: “Even if the customer is over 40?”

Trever: “Yeah, I just said…okay, fine. It’s everybody or nothing now, guys.”

Valerie Cho: “What if three racoons dressed in a trench coat and an oversized hat try to buy a twelve-pack?”

Trever looks frustrated.

Trever: “Okay…if that situation were ever to happen you still have to card them. Man, woman, young, old or three racoons in a trench coat--if they want to buy alcohol or tobacco products, you have to card them. No more questions.”

THREE DAYS LATER

INT. KNIGHTS DRUGS MAIN REGISTER, NIGHT

Valerie Cho stands behind the main cash register. Three racoons in a trench coat and oversized hat (BOB) are waiting in line to buy a twelve pack of beer.

Valerie: “Hey fellas--“

Bob makes a racoon noise.

Valerie: “I mean fella, I need to see some ID for the beer.”

Bob is shocked, all three racoons inside the trench coat make noise at once.

Valerie: “Yes, I know you’re collectively over 40, sir, but new company policy says that I have to card all alcohol purchases.”

Bob makes noise.

Valerie: “No ID, no sell. Sorry guys-- I mean, guy.”

Bob makes more noise.

Valerie: “I’m just doing my job, sir.”

Bob makes noise then puts the beer on the counter. Bob walks outs of the store.

Valerie: “Thank you. You have a goodnight, sir.”

Trever walks up to the counter.

Trever: “Wait, was that three racoons in a trench coat and an oversized hat?”

Valerie: “Naw, that’s just Bob.”

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DRIFT

INT. SEOULMATES KOREAN RESTAURANT, NIGHT

Announcer (voiceover):” Previously on Million Dollar Underwear Zine.”

Sisters VALERIE and GABBY CHO share an order of Korean-style fried chicken. They are halfway through their meal.

Gabby: “Mom told me that you and Ezra broke up. What did you do?”

Valerie: “I didn’t do anything; we just Tokyo Drifted apart.”

Gabby: “What?”

Valerie: “It was a Fast Five years together, but in the end our love was just Too Fast and Too Furious to last.”

Gabby: “Oh my God, I just realized what you’re doing. Please stop.”

Valerie: “Maybe that’s just the Fate of Furious lovers like me and Ezra. I don’t know.”

Gabby: “Never mind, I know why he broke up with you.”

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Issue Three is finally here

After 2-3 years of work, the third issue of America's fifth favorite humor magazine #milliondollarunderwearzine is here.

Issue three is part one of the Triumph of a Heart miniseries. Triumph of a Heart is a four part miniseries about what happens when life gets in the way of your plans.

Part one "Everybody Has a Plan Until They Get Punched in the Mouth" feature illustrations from Joey Navarra Jr, playlist by Prince Jantzen Reyes , cover by Jake Blas, and layout by Jessica Little

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Person Seeking Person 2: Seek Harder

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No Strings Attached

Woman (24) on business trip seeks man (25-30) for two weeks of one-night stands in the Seattle, Washington, area. I’m just looking for a good time, nothing serious. I prefer you only sleep with me, text or call me at least once a day and in public refer to me as your girlfriend. Like I said, I’m not looking for anything serious, but if possible I would like to meet all your friends and family.

Must Hate Cats

I told my last girlfriend it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. Man seeks woman who hates cats.

The Basic Physics of Love
Man seeks woman who can help him convert his potential energy into kinetic energy in and out of the bedroom.

Covering All My Bases

My position of power doesn’t allow for me to openly express myself sexually. That’s why I need someone who can keep up appearances. Man seeks woman who fits my voter base’s idea of what a woman with traditional family values is supposed to look like, but also has a penis.

The Whisper Campaign (South Carolina)

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South Carolina 2000(Black Baby)

Did you know that presidential candidate Joel Barber once fathered a black baby with a black woman from South Carolina? Did you also know that not only did Joel Barber father a black baby with this woman, he was married to her before he fathered this black baby and is still married to her? Is this the type of man you want to have in the White House?  I am Aaron Hecht and I endorse this message.

Campaign Promises (100 Days)

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 100 Days

In the first hundred days of my presidency, I will introduce a bill that will start construction of a Death Star. That is right; if I am elected, America will reach for the stars again. My goal as president isn't just to make America the strongest, safest nation on the planet, but to make America the strongest, safest nation in the galaxy!

Vote Joel Barber for President!

Barber 2024!

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Person Seeking Person

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Maintenance Man

Ladies I want to be your maintenance man. With more than ten years of experience in the heating and air-conditioning field, I know how to heat it up, but I also know how to keep it cool. Ladies, I’m here to service all your needs. No job is too big or too small. Your pleasure is guaranteed. BTW this is an ad for sex and not HVAC repair. If you have a heating and air problem, please feel free to contact me at 1-800-HEAT-N-AIR to set up an appointment.

A Companion Seeks Her Doctor

Woman (32) seeks a man (18-35) that is available for the next three Saturdays to help her act out her erotic Doctor Who fan fiction. I prefer you look like the Tenth Doctor, but I will settle for someone who looks like the Eleventh or Ninth Doctor. If you look like any Doctor before Seven, don’t even bother messaging me. My story won’t work with the show’s continuity before the Seventh Doctor and I don’t plan on rewriting — we perform as is! Don’t worry about bringing accurate wardrobe or a replica sonic screwdriver as it will be provided for you. Besides looking like the Doctor, I only ask that once we start that you stay in character until I reach orgasm.

Help Wanted

Since my wife decided to sleep with the gardener, I felt my only response should be to sleep with the maid. However, since our maid is a 64-year-old grandmother who doesn’t find me attractive, I’m forced to place this ad.

Hey, It Works in the Movies

Woman, 27, seeks man (28-38) to show off to friends, family and former frenemies at upcoming 10-year high school reunion. You must be tall, dark — but not too darkhandsome, don’t mind that the DJ is going to play Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” nonstop all night, and be able to remember all the details I make up about you and our relationship.

The Whisper Campaign (Hopes and Prayers)

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“Hopes and Prayers”

Did you know that presidential candidate Joel Barber once sold crack to fifth-graders out of his mother’s mini-van during a short period in the mid-to-late ‘90s? We’re not sure if this is true, but America, if we believe long enough and pray hard enough, it just might become true. I am Aaron Hecht, and I endorse this message. Vote Hecht for president.